-Evening Sun- Book 1, Chapter 7 : Confused - Suicide
Saturday, January 8, 2011@3:12 AM

Hey, so srry it took sooo long! Annyways i got intoo character soo much i almost cry while writing the first art of this chapter. Please enjoy my loveable creations thank you (:


Book 1: Renesmee
Chapter 7: Confused - Suicide

Dawn was breaking through the clustered, still-black clouds that blanketed the sky like smoke. The crescent-shaped source of light reflected dimly off our whiter-than-albino vampire skin, except for Jake’s of course. Our skin sparkled lightly, mine was the lightest.
During the trip back home, as the sun slowly rose from beyond the trees at morning twilight, I stared out of the window and admired the view while thinking about many things. Thinking how fortunate I was, as that thought just popped out in my mind. It was true; I was really the most fortunate. According to what Daddy and Mommy told me before, all of them had turned into vampires due to unfortunate events and misfortune. But that was all; that was all they had told me.
I also thought about Jake, fortunate that I always had a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to when I was troubled, and someone that understood me very well. Who could he turn to when I was hurting Mommy, when he was in pain, when he wished he was dead, when he was on razor-blades that made him bleed and hurt badly, when he was in the sea of never-ending pain when Mommy was assumed… dead? No-one. Yes, no-one. He could confide with no-one. How did he cope with all the pain and stress? I was not there when he needed someone to talk to; I was not there when he was in pain.
Why does Jake still bother to stay with us? Why is he so close to me? Why did we become best friends? Being best friends just makes him hurt more when I’m sad, and vice-versa. I didn’t want him to feel bad. Should I just start to painfully ignore him so he can go back to the reservation and stay with Billy?
 Just leave my side, Jacob. Leave me. Go, just go. Stop threatening me at knife-point from the inside of my heart. Don’t kill me from inside (heartbroken, since our skins were impenetrable.). Stop it, Jacob. I want you to go. Don’t come back. You care about me? Then don’t break my heart anymore. Stop making me guess what exactly you’re thinking, staying with vampires that you previously detested. Let things go back to the way they were, when you didn’t know about Mommy and Daddy. Making me guess if you’re in pain; it just makes me hurt more. I don’t understand you. I don’t hate you but I think things are better like that, pretending we don’t know and hate each other – that we weren’t best friends. I’ll miss your tan skin, your sweet smile, but the only things I can tell you now are apologies and goodbyes.
I admit it, I can’t do that. I can’t say what I just thought. Maybe I’m just a coward, maybe I’m just a weakling. I don’t dare to say all those words to Jake. In my mind he was Jake, my best friend. But in my heart, I don’t know. If he was just my best friend, would I have thought about really daring to say those hurtful words? I’m confused. ‘He is just your best friend! He is just your best friend!’ my head went, chanting like some monk sutras, reminding me of my position. My heart asked what if it was something more. “Darn! Shut up! Leave me some peace! Stop telling and asking me things like that!” I screamed ‘at’ my mind and heart, as if my mind and heart had a brain of its own, overruling my thoughts. I was confused. Nowhere was peaceful. HELP! Save me from this misery!
I could feel little, wet, drops of tears roll down slowly my cheeks. Luckily Jake was asleep, or else he would question me like I was a criminal in interrogation. Daddy looked at me through the front mirror, worry clearly written all over his face, instead of just his forehead, which was not normal. His expression instantly switched from worry to intense hate and fury anger. His jaw was clenched tightly together as he stared intensely at Jacob, his eyes telling me all; I could see he wanted to rip Jacob’s head off, his eyes saying ‘I am going to kill you right now, mongrel!’ A soft snarl ripped through Daddy’s throat. I was lost in thought again. Should I be happy that Daddy was really angry with Jacob, or should I be sad that Daddy might hurt him? Why was the life of an accelerated-growing vampire-human creature so hard? There were too many decisions. Maybe I was just making my own life worse.
“Don’t think too much,” Daddy smiled. “Enjoy while you’re young, and don’t worry about other thi-” He suddenly stopped the car very abruptly. Shock overwhelmed me and Daddy. Mommy was in concentration, while Jake was sleeping like a log, sleeping like he was a non-living thing, which explained why he couldn’t sense the abrupt jerk.
“Did I scare you? I’m sorry Edward…” Mommy said apologetically.
“Suddenly a new voice popped in my head. Thinking about her human days with me, right?” Daddy chuckled, while Mommy nodded shyly. If she could blush, she’d be red in the face by now. I went to sleep as I had spent all night thinking and I was really tired.
When I woke up, I was in my room, on my bed. Jake was sitting down beside my bed, his head and arms on the bed. He dug his face into his hands and fell asleep, I guessed. I silently and swiftly got off of the bed, and went to find Grandma Esme.
“Grandma Esme?”
“Yes, Renesmee?” She was in one of the rooms that all the others barely went. She was in a room that looked like a church. She instantaneously got up from the bench and walked towards me.
“What are you doing here?”
“Praying, to the god whom I believe in.”
“Why do you have to pray?”
“Before I was changed into a vampire by Carlisle, I tried to kill myself. I jumped off a cliff, hoping I would hit my head and die or drown to death or something.” She half-smiled, grief was clearly shown on her face.
“Why did you try to kill yourself?”
“Because, I had a beautiful baby boy. He had no father (she left him), well maybe I should say his father abused me. When I found out I was pregnant with him, I ran away and gave birth to him. However, he died a few days later. I had nothing left.  I decided I had no purpose to continue living a life of grief, and so I was suicidal and attempted to kill myself.”
“Then, Grandpa Carlisle found you and saved you?”
“Not exactly. I knew Carlisle when I was 16. I broke my leg and he treated it for me. We were real close. However I was stupid and foolish and went off to marry a man that abused me. When I was found in a morgue by Carlisle, he could hear my heartbeat though the humans thought I was dead. They assumed me dead because they didn’t have such powerful senses. He turned me into this because I was as good as dead. We fell in love not long after and got married.” Grandma Esme explained.
“Oh… I understand. I’m really sorry I made you remember something so saddening. Do you still miss your son?”
“Of course I do. That is why I pray. Wherever he is in this world, whether in heaven or already reincarnated, I wish him a happy life. Though I love all of you,” She patted my head. “I still grieve, because I can’t have another child of my own anymore.” She said bitterly.
I nodded in understanding. I walked towards the one and only bench in the ‘church’ room, sat down and prayed for Grandma Esme’s baby son.
Hoping that Grandma Esme baby son, wherever he is right now, may god protect him and let him live a long, happy life with his loved ones. May he always be at peace in heart and still remember Grandma Esme as someone connected to him in his past life. God bless, Amen...